Ignition Breathalyzer Legislation

I popped over to Blunoz' blog and basically left my own blog post as a "comment" on his post on breathalyzers.  Basically, VA & MD want to pass legislation where it will be mandatory to install breathalyzers in the cars of first time convicted DUI offenders (catch it here in the Washington Post).  The breathalyzers would serve as an ignition interlock devices and hopefully lower the already high recidivism rates (yay, my college degree isn't going unused...hahaha...go figure #1 criminology & criminal justice program in the country and I do squuuuuuuat with it).  I digress...

I've written about my dad and his struggles.  This man influenced my life in so many ways.  My outspokenness, activism, passion for social justice & education, and empathy are traits that are definitely are from him.  Pride as an American, an Asian American (no hyphen biotches), and as a woman of color...definitely from him.  I see these traits coming out in his grandchildren as well.  Obviously, the lack of drinking was indirectly influenced by him.  He was a really good man with a very strong moral character just with an unfortunate "disease" (I put it in quotes since  I believe there's just this huge gray area of it be biological and what not).

Reflection...

Today is arguably one of the hardest days of the year for me and my sister.  It's a day where I vacillate between trying to dull the hurt while not lessening the memories.  Always, the memories win and now I look at it as it being a way to remember.

Time does heal all wounds...but filling the void in a life without a certain loved one still hurts...especially when I have realized that my dad has missed out on 1/3 of my life...never seeing me graduate from college, getting a job on the nat'l level of a civil rights organization, and most importantly...the largest part of my life...meeting my husband and kids.

Even though my hurt is for myself, my sister, and my family...the biggest hurt is for him and that he has missed out on so much and that he hurt so much before he died.

Today...I remember and reflect.

Remembering

From I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up...

10 years ago today was arguably the hardest day in my life. Right about now, I was busy calling people and letting them know that my father had passed away. I had gotten a call around 3 am from my uncle saying that my dad was in the hospital and that we should go over right away. Now, I have always been upfront about my dad, his battle with alcoholism, and his eventual death...at the time, hospital visits were almost like common place for me...the intensive & critical care units being not as "big of a deal" since he was always in and out of them. I'm sure a big part of my nonchalance was the frustration and anger of having to "deal" with this alcoholism and how it made me grow up way too early. (NOTE: Dad's alcoholism made him more of a depressed personality and never, EVER violent in any way)

I remember hanging up the phone (my sister and my mom had both answered as well...my parents were divorced by then) and thinking that something was a bit weird that we'd be called to go to the hospital immediately. My sister was really worried and I was trying to take it in stride. As soon as we arrived in the hospital where we were both born, my grandfathered died, and where my first child would eventually be born, my uncles pulled us into a room to explain what had happened and what was going on.

My father was living with my grandmother. He had an awful cough...smoking probably didn't help things at all. During the night, my grandmother hadn't heard him coughing at all and decided to check on him. After all, my dad was her baby AND her favorite...so watching him tumble through this downward spiral was heartwrenching for her. She found him unresponsive and called my uncle and then 911 was called. After resuscitating his heart with a dose of epinephrine, they got his heart pumping again. By this point in the story, I knew what I knew. My father was dead and his heart was pumping because a hormone was injected into it to jump start it.

We were able to say goodbye and then I eventually chose to stay in the room with him as they removed all the machines and personal items from him. There was so much regret filled in the 4 hours at that hospital. So much I didn't say, so much I wanted to, and so much that I wanted to take back. Our last conversation was me yelling at him for not being able to stop drinking but with it ending with me saying "I love you"...something that was hard for me to say since I had so many hard feelings against him. Outside the room, my uncles embraced each other...something HIGHLY uncharacteristic of my dad's family as he was the only one who was affectionate.

My dad, the black sheep of the family. The alcoholic, Ivy Leaguer, funny, silly, generous, raunchy, Southern, outspoken, defender of rights, loving, caring, and unforgettable personality. My kids and husband have missed out on such an amazing person who, despite not being able to fight such a horrible disease, still influences my life in so many positive ways.

I know my dad is watching over me and my sister and our families. I know he's proud of the men we married and the kids we have (or are about to have). I know he knows that I love him and miss him dearly.

From I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up...

I Remember

So, it's my Dad's birthday today. Actually, his 60th. The only thing is that he died almost 10 years ago this coming January from alcoholism-related poor health. I had expected him to pass away early, but not that soon.

So, as I think about careers outside this home...as well as my previous professional & academic lives. I think about and remember how positive my father was in fostering and nurturing my identity as a woman and as a person of color. I also love how he was compassionate, considerate, and empathetic of others. He was crazy funny and unabashedly silly...something I think I inherited from him. I also inherited his love of history, esp. US history.

Anyway...today, I remember. I remember the first man in my life...the one who helped to shape the woman I am and becoming everyday. I think about how he's helped to raise the grandkids he's never met by how he raised me. I remember the silly man who would give me, my cousins, and the neighborhood kids rides on the riding lawnmower that, after time, would only drive straight. I remember the Chinese American man born in Washington, DC that spoke with a slight Southern twang. I remember the embarassing outfits and him wearing these ridiculously ugly red plaid house slippers to McDs...but not even giving a shitake. Because, that's who he was...and sometimes, that's who I need to be.

I remember.

Happy Father's Day!!!

Happy Father's Day to my baby, my dad, my grandfather, my brothers, cousin, etc.!! Today kinda sucks because 1) Sean's not here because he has to stand duty (24 hrs. on the boat) and 2) my dad's not here. We celebrated, sorta, yesterday with Sean...AFTER he got off of work. Basically, it was just a day of relaxation for him since he's been working so darn much and getting only a few hours of sleep a night. So, he got a nap in with the kids while I cooked up a feast for him (churrasco, lemon quinoa, grilled asparagus, & RICE). Today, he's working and we'll see him tomorrow evening. The darn photo album I made for him is coming in tomorrow too (instead of LAST WEEK...arghh)...I guess it actually turned out to be ok timing since tomorrow will be Father's Day part deux. I need to make my sweet potato stuff that's Sean's favorite and a fresh fruit tart for dessert tomorrow. Should I use my leftover chimichurri sauce to marinate chicken breasts? Hmmmm...anyhoo, I feel so bad for him because he's just been so exhausted!!! Poor guy.

Today is also bittersweet since, even though I have surrogate dads (Uncle Dan, Daddy Yuan, & Daddy Naik), I still miss my dad. It's been 9.5 years without him and even though it's a bit easier now, there are definitely times like this that missing him hurts a lot more. I also think what a crummy daughter I was the last few years of his life during his battle with alcoholism. It's hard not to regret how I felt and how I treated him but at the same time, it's all a learning experience. Anyhoo...losing my dad and others made a huge impact on my life...it's definitely too short to take people for granted. Life is definitely too precious and you never know when you will lose someone. I only wish that he would've gotten to meet my kids (all four of them...human & canine)...and Sean as well.

Still...today is a good day to reflect how blessed I was to grow up with the father I did...despite the alcoholism (which never made him an angry or violent drunk...EVER), was an amazing person and I learned a lot from him. He definitely taught me many important lessons...both directly and indirectly. I am also blessed to have such an amazing partner who is such a great parent. I know Kaia and Jaron have lots to learn from him too.

Happy Father's Day, Fathers!