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6.07.2011

Silver Linings

It's been quite a break I've taken...and still not sure what I'm doing with a blog.

We had been on the fence since last summer about adding another to our little pack and were up and down for so many months.  I was actually waiting for my period to come so I could schedule to have another Mirena inserted...but then again, I kept saying that too.  Still, it was hard for my ovaries NOT to hurt seeing my gorgeous and amazing little niece...and seeing how much of a little sister she is to my two.  It was is hard seeing my "babies" becoming big kids and barely retaining any of that "babiness" they once had.

We found out we were pregnant in April.  I think being older (in comparison to being pregnant with K&J) I felt a little trepidation about this pregnancy and tried to resist sharing it as soon as we found out...as we did with the first two.  We did confide in close family and friends (who are family to us anyway) but still tried to keep it relatively quiet.

At my 10-week ultrasound on May 13, they discovered I had a blighted ovum...basically, due to chromosomal defects, the embryo (most likely en embryo since might not have been able to even reach the fetus stage) had stopped developing.  It was a really rough weekend since my nurse practitioner was cautious and wanted to check my blood hormone levels before making a definitive diagnosis.  I had already started mourning the loss of what/who could've been and began researching blighted ovums like crazy.  At the end of the weekend, I had a complete calm wash over me and just felt more grateful than ever for just knowing the fact of why this pregnancy would not come to fruition.  The tests confirmed the blighted ovum and I was given the options of miscarrying naturally, medication to speed up the process, or surgery to remove my uterine contents.  I decided to let Nature do its own thing.  Little did I know that Nature wanted little to do with my uterus.

Apparently, I have a stubborn uterus and cervix...so I took my first round of meds last Wednesday and ended up in the ER a few hours later after losing too much tissue and blood at such an extreme rate.  Sean and I were a bit worried he'd go home a single parent that day.  So, how much more (esp. for Sean) to find out a few days later that I had to repeat the meds since they still found tissue in my uterus.  The ER doc (civilian hospital since I'd never be able to make it to the military hospital) was especially "helpful" in asking me if I knew (or if my docs told me) that the bleeding/tissue-loss would be heavier than a period.  I think with him never having to experience a period and following my docs' orders of going to the ER if I soaked more than one pad an hour (which I did in about 5-10 mins. easily...not to mention the extreme gush of tissue/blood that occurred every time I went to the bathroom) made him a not-so-great authority on this issue...despite his medical schooling and training.  Those in the military tend to not think very high of military medicine, but with my experience in all this I have come away thinking the military medical staff has been nothing less than stellar.  So, thank you Naval Medical Center Portsmouth for making this difficult time more bearable.

Saturday, I took my second dose and it was way easier in comparison to Wednesday's experience.  Still lots of painful cramping and tissue/blood-loss...but NOTHING like Wednesday.

This morning they found out that instead of having the paper-thin uterine lining they wanted to see, it was extremely thick.  I've been scheduled for surgery on Monday morning...since I wanted to be in DC this weekend.  Mom will come down to make sure someone is home for the kiddies.  It's minor surgery...so, no worries.  It's been a pretty emotional few weeks and we're doing ok.  Personally, I have been at peace ever since the diagnosis since I feel very fortunate to have found out the reason for this missed abortion (the medical term for it) and know that I would've been driven crazy and racked with guilt had I started miscarrying and had no answers.  It has been a bit of a process for Sean and this last week really took a toll on him.  The kids were sad to find out that they weren't going to have a sibling, but seem to be coping well.  We talk to them often and check up to see how they have been doing with all these adult situations.  We've been so thankful to The Fam who have been so supportive and checking up on us everyday...always going beyond the definition of family.

No worries here.  We are ok and just grateful for all the blessings in our lives.

5 comments:

The Huls Family said...

I adore your strength, focus, and love for your family, and hope that through this time those traits will help you... thinking of you and sending lots of love!

Melis said...

Tan, my heart breaks for you - I know you're at peace, but I can't help hurting for your loss and for the fact that instead of just coping with that, you've had to worry about your health as well. I'm so sorry! I wish so much that I could be there for you, but I'm so in awe of your grace and strength and beauty. You are blessed, even though it is a difficult path you walk at times. Hugs to you and your lovely family - you're in my heart always, dear friend!

slommler said...

Hugging you dear one! This is a stressful time for sure...so be kind to yourself! Take lots of breaks! Treat yourself special...for you are!!
SueAnn

ronee said...

it always amazes me how our loves sorts run the same course! I am happy that you have peace. after my first very similar experience it took at a long time to come to the conclusion that there was nothing I could have done different to change the outcome. remove the guilt and push forward. HAVE ANOTHER ONE. you are a great mother. you will never regret another one.

malthumkar raj said...

Awesome post, look forward to more!

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