My. Ovaries. Hurt.

My ovaries hurt. They do. They have that certain achiness whenever I think how big my kids have gotten and how little my niece is. I long for those moments of holding a baby and smelling their sweet scent. I miss being pregnant and not having to worry about muffin top or sucking my stomach in. I. Miss. Boobs. Yes, after breastfeeding both kids for a cumulative 24 months...they managed to perform a successful my boobs. I barely had any to begin with and I was secure with that. But now...nada. What you see is 100% Victoria's Secret.

Then again, I don't miss sleeping for 2-3 hour stints. Scratch that...with Kaia, it was 30 MINUTE stints. My darling daughter, to this day, still does not sleep very long NOR does she need a lot of sleep to function....and not get grouchy. She's very much like me. I don't miss diaper changes, rigid schedules, and constant feedings.

What I'd miss is being able to really spend quality time with my kids right now. They are so much fun and I cannot even begin to fathom adding another to the mix and being a complete mommy to them. Then again, Jaron starts school next year and then I'd feel like "what is the use of being at home?" Except for the fact that VA kindergarten is only freakin' 3 hours from the time he gets on the bus to the time he gets off the bus.

Then again, I look how nurturing my kids are with their baby cousin. They love her so much and call her their baby sister...not out of want for another sibling, but because they look at her as if she were their sister. I know my kids would be thrilled with another sibling...especially when the topic comes up regularly and they ask for twins. A boy and a girl. Order up!

I think it's just the type of person I am. I totally stress out because I think of every single possibility and outcome of my actions...upcoming moves, upcoming deployments/patrols/underways, planning large events, which schools to pick, what activities we'll do, etc. etc. etc. And you know what...they're always turned out fine and I have always been able to handle them.

Do I want to upset the balance of 2s in our life? 2 of us, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 vehicles, 2 houses...

I stress because I feel that time is ticking and the kids are getting older and the age gap between them and a 3rd gets bigger by the day. I mourn the loss of my kids as I think of both of them going off to after the other. Yes, I DO think that far ahead. I long for a 3rd...but I love being able to be a "full-time" aunt to Talia. But, I think we're not complete without a third...which is weird since I never wanted an odd amount of children...but 4 of definitely a big fat NO...heeeellllllll no. Then watch, we'll have a third and I'll long for a playmate close to his/her age. Hahaha.

But it's weird...I long for a third. I miss being a mommy to an infant. Being the granddaughter of a woman who had 9 children...I'm going to keep my Mirena up until the last second...we are pretty blessed to be able to think about getting pregnant and *poof* we're knocked up.

Ahhhhh...this battle in my head continues. Until itch will be satisfied whenever we are with The Fam and I get to be with my favorite spiky-headed, mohawked little niece!

From I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up...

From I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up...


Melis said...

I hear you. 100%. Tan, I HAVE 3 and my uterus aches for #4. What the heck is that all about?! You seem like an absolutely fabulous mother... jeez, if you're half as nice to them as you are to ME, they are blessed little people. My input? Bust out the ole ice pack and get crackin...

Ellyn said...

Two words: do it! xxoo

Tanya said...'re so sweet...and hilarious! I keep telling him leave it up to chance if we decide to work on #3. However...I envision many movie nights and trips up to DC with iced balls.

Elle...I'll do it, if you come back. ;o) *muwah*